full circle

Ive broken a heart. ive hurt someone. ive caused a fellow human to cry. just by being selfish. broke them and hurt them. something i promised i would never do. but ive gone full circle. did exactly what i hoped i would never do. now i fear there is no remedy, and things will never get better. i may have ruined you. i may have changed everything. i cant take back what i did. life doesnt work that way. i guess i can just try to get better and prove to you that im different. and see if we can talk again. because i miss talking to you. i miss hearing your voice i miss your smile i miss just hanging out. i miss having someone to be close to. your the one person who really understood me. everything you've ever said about me was compleatly true. i guess ill i can do is get better and remember that one walk together, and pray it wasnt the last.

regret, grief & conviction.

Im sorry i hurt you. im sorry i used you. i want to tell you im sorry. Last time i tried to apologize the look of hate in your eyes broke me. Because i remember your eyes in another form. I cant stand to think that you hate me. I've seen that look before. I wish we could be friends again and i could prove to you that i could treat you right. That could be a good friend and make you happy. When i remember you telling me that i was the closest thing to a best friend youve had in a long time, it brings tears to my eyes. I hurt you, i used you. I treated you like shit. You were the truest friend ive ever had. I now know i lost something amazing, and there is no one to blame but myself. Truth be told i miss you, and i would do anything to hear your voice again or to see you smile. I hope one day we can be friends again.

walking hills

what do u do when u watch someone go downhill in their life? Do you try to stop them or distract them? You can yell, scream, lecture or love them as much as you want, but they just walk around you and keep going. So you start to follow them down further and further. Of course you dont mean to go down with them, your trying to stop them. But in the process you are going down the same path. Here is the big decision, do you continue to go down with them untill you become exhausted from the effort of trying to stop them or untill you both hit rock bottom? Or do you give them a hug and tell them you will be waiting at the top of the hill for them and walk off. Then you sit on the top of the hill and watch them go down unitll they are no more than a small dot in the distance. Then you wait...

Monday: Job hunting

I got up at 8 this morning, which of course in california time is 6 in the morning. 0.0 and the nite before i was up till 3 in the morning. Time to go job hunting. I definetly like the mall here, its small but cute. Its actually an outdoor mall (who thought that was a good idea?) made of wood. ITs decorated with trees and plants in the inside, and it even has firepits throughout it. Its about a 3rd of the size of the promenade mall, if that. It might actually be smaller, but im honestly just glad they have a mall. It has american eagle, hollister, abercrombie and fitch, old navy, and alot of other awesome stores. When i walked into old navy and asked if they were hiring i expected to hear "no were not but would u like an application?" like i always hear in california. But i actually heard "yes we are hiring" i think my mouth fell open. Actually every store i applied to was hireing except about 3 stores. Thats incredible, im pretty sure i came home with a huge smile on my face. To end the day we all went to the local lake to walk around. One thing ive noticed about Wisconsin is it is a very flat state. Not flat like kansas, its actually quite hilly compared to there, but compared to california its really flat. I miss cali's mountains outlining the smoggy greyish blue sky. The lake was really pretty though, its very green right now, and the leaves are just beginning to change colors. The tops of alot of the trees are turnign red and yellow and orange. Of course this is very different from california where the leaves just die. they dont really change at all they just fall off and die. So it is a nice change to see the leaves change. Well thats all for today. ttyl. :)

sunday: welcome to wisconsin

Sunday:
So far things are going great. It was a huge culture shock when i landed. Everything here is different. I know i stand out. My speech, clothes, and mannerisms are different from the locals. When the bags all came down the conveyor belt, most of them were neutral colors or earth-tone colors. A lot of the luggage looked like hiking gear. My bag, jet black with white polka dots adorned throughout, stood out like like a red apple in a sea of green ones. I felt out of place. But that is sometimes a good feeling, it makes us think outside our self and realize there is more in life than our own little lives in our own little state. That night on the way home we took a ferry to get across the lake. You literally drive onto the ferry and ride it to the other side and then you drive off. We finally got to my sister's house. Its defiantly different from the mental image i had in my head. Its a older looking building, made of wood like almost all of the houses here. Its a two story but the second story is owned by our neighbors (as i found out the other night when i heard footsteps from above me). Around us are many mulitcolored trees just beginning to change from healthy green to bright yellow and vivid red. The inside of hte house is also vintage-y. THe doors have an old wood look with old doorknobs that remind me of the talking doorknob from alice in wonderland. i adore my room. There are 6 windows surrounding my bed, which is a featherbed which makes me beyond happy. Also were are going to set up a television in my room, which of course makes me beyond happy. Ive always wanted a space of my own. I want to get a cork board so i can hang up all my pictures of friends and notes from friends ect. and maybe geta beanbag floor lamp and some other homly things to make my room feel like my own.

notes

Next week, all my friends are moving away. They are going to start out their lives at college. They are going to have new friends, experiences, classes, and im excited for them. Im also jealous. Im not going to a 4 year, im not even going to a community college for awhile. I am still sign-twirling, which really isnt much of a job. I have alot of things i want to do right now. They both include leaving california and moving in with my family, getting a job, and going to college. Right now everything is still up in the air, i dont even know what state im moving to or when. I want to go and start on my own adventure and experience life. Yes i know its not going to be a basket of roses, but who ever said thats what i was expecting? Life is usually never easy, but each challenge is an adventure itself. There is huge accomplishment and satisfaction in coming out the other side a better person after going through some trial or challenge. I want to go out and experience as much as life can throw at me.

the only time i cried in arkansas, was when ithought about coming home. Im crying at home because i wish i was anywhere but here.